Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
