I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
3pm strippers are depressing
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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