So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
