Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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