matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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