just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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