I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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