you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
