he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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