Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
