you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize