Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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