I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
