think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
