I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
