I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
