I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
