god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
