I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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