Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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