You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize