wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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