it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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