I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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