i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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