I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
