I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
