No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
