i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
