Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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