If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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