dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Welp...herpes.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
