did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
