I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
