i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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