Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I would ride that face into the sunset
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize