A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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