I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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