wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
