Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
