Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
