so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
