its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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