Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize