i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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