Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There's always time for handjobs
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
