Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize