Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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