if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
