Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
