already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
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