God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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