Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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