I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
