I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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