dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
