We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize