Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
is that a dick in a sweater?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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