fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
