I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
