How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize