Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
